Empire Of Fantasies

I always used to rant at people in general for turning History into either a gold-spun tale of Happy ever After or Tragic Plays were courage abound, good is white, evil is black and heroic acts are performed by selfless men (who manage to show a six pack devoid of shirt at one point because, apparently, increases their level of heroism... One learns something new every day, huh?) who have the welfare of their loved ones/their community/The world/the galaxy/The known universe at heart. We all saw how in comics Captain Amercia fought those evil Natzis, how in Band of Brothers they would all jump eagerly at the chance of a horribly heroic, and most of the time quite gruesome, death. We witnessed Shcindler's List and wept our litte hearts out, we were appaled upon the italian's treatment of Bonny Russel Crowe in his tight, leather Gladiator armour, we watched Rescuing Private Ryan and wanted nothing more than to have our siblings be killed in a war so that we could be rescued by Tom Hanks in a uniform... So far I've alowed it, because sometimes history is not as clear as one could hope for and there is room for... Ehem... Artistic Licenses.

That is why, silly me, I sat down to watch ABC's "Empire" (here Hallmark Channel is in charge of airing it, but anyway) thinking that it would be something as epic as Rome, which I had watched after THC (The History channle, my friend and addiction) explained all the thought and research that had lead into the making of the series and how they had taken little artistic licenses, which they clarified by the way, to have some characters at one point when historical records suggested otherwise. After the first five minutes of watching Empire I started swearing, and hooting alone in my room. I couldn't believe how much they had distorted the truth and manipulated facts so they could turn conniving-little-bastard Octavius of the House of Julius (personally I have nothing against him, he was a true Roman of his time, but seeing the "Clark Kent" version of him made me turn against him faster than a speeding bullet). Brutus was being demonized, Caesar was glorified and Mark Anthony was stripped of anything ressembling morals. Because, you see... Bad men have no morals. Bad men are evil, and have no duplicity or deapth of character whatsoever. Good guys are also that... Good. No ambitions, no temptations (except the ones they overpower on camera with the force of truth and courage and whatnot), not a drop of, dare I say, egotism. No personal interests, the people come first. Family comes first. Random passerby comes first. Little fluffy animals come first.

And then they add a little inner conflict and a death and they make us believe they have innerstruggles and duplicity. Uh-huh... Sure. Maybe if I had been high on every drug known to man I would have swallowed that one. And I'm Just saying Maybe, the kind that is not-so-probable or nearly-impossible. They don't do politics or are cunning at all, because that is a sign of corruption. they are just plain old honest and show how truth sorts everything out for them at the end. They count with loyal followers and the power of what is right... And you know, nothing can be stronger than that. It makes sense that two men and a handful of women could overpower the entire Roman Senate and other conspirators but doing only good. Right.

No mention of Octavius knowing about the assasination attempt and, though not really involved, clarified to the conspirators that he would do nothing to stop it. No saying that Berutus was probably the son of Caesar and loved him as a father and was faithful to him to no end and really did believe that the Republic was being threteaned by the figure of the Caesar. No telling how Octavius, who is all about the Republic this and the Republic that, in the end winds up being one of the longest-lived and firmy-stablished Emperors of Rome, toying with his family and letting his rather amoral wife Livia run the whole show. Nah-huh... Why say it at all. It's all ugly business. People are too stupid to understand that good and evil are mostly vague terms that do not really apply most of the time. Better make it simple. Follow the formula and nothing can go wrong... Right???

Well, it went wrong for me. I liked the actors (expect Octavius 'Call me Clark' of the House of Julius) and I particulary liked Brutus who tried hard to emphasize he was not a bad guy in a cowboy's movie. And I even began to match him with Vespal Virgin Camena because I could not focus on the real story for fear of throwing up. I liked the setting, the costumes (a little too clean for me, but what the hell...), the settings and the occassional well-placed line of dialogue. But it's an original story based vaguely (very vaguely) on certain pre-selected facts. They should clarify that, in no way, this miniseries comes even a little close to the truth. If not people, like yours truly, get nasty surprises.

Well, that's about it. I want to make it short because then I'm off to dream of Brutus and the possibilities behind the Toga. What can I say? Men wrapped in sheets and kilts just do it for me. Thank you very much for that one ABC. Best thing you ever did for the Empire.